Wise Thoughts on Failure

A friend of mine found herself failing over and over again for a long while. She immediately labeled herself a fatal failure because she was used to being easily criticized by one of her parents. Her mind labeled childhood a great failure, she reached to adulthood with such a failure mindset that she interpreted all the occurrences as failure. Then she got into a huge depression.  She lost her motivation and stopped trying in life. “I am a fatal failure, I will not succeed in life no matter what I do.”

As humans, we are amazing creatures, but this can be a huge barrier when filled with toxic thoughts. It can blind our eyes, create horror in our minds, kill our motivation and take away all our desire to live. As a psychologist, they would ask my opinion. This is what I would tell them about failure.

1) Think deeply on definition of failure

Any occurrence in life is not black-and white. There are many tones in between, sometimes it looks like we failed, however it could come to us in another way. In any case, when you fail you learn new skills like dealing with conflict, negative emotions, disappointing people. So if you can mentally set your mind that you failed only on one aspect and not in entire life. Besides, maybe one door that is closed will open a completely different door. So no one knows whether you are failed or not, as long as you breathe there is always hope. Keep trying.

Think about the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Would it be so attractive and famous if it was straight and firm? So maybe you failed one thing, however, you succeeded on something else. James Dyson failed 5,126 prototypes to create a bagless vacuum cleaner before establishing his company, now Dyson is worldwise selling company. Here is a list of important figures in the history and their failure stories.

2) Are you too much generalizing the failure

Our brains have the tendency to generalize the failure. Did you live with an extremely critical parents? Maybe she was not tolerant, so your brain generalizes every single critic as a failure. So the ideal is to judge how objectively you are approaching this. List down all the successes you have, and then try to reconsider whether they are dysfunctional thoughts or thoughts that come from other people’s opinions.

Isn’t there any positive experience that happened during this period?

Ok, you have failed, but, however, go through the entire experience. Is %100 percent of it negative? Sometimes, when something catastrophic happens, we have the tendency to think that every single experience is negative and full of horror. Our brain can filter it as black and white. It is entirely normal. However, whatever we experience, it is impossible to be entirely negative. There is a wise saying that even the wrong clock is correct twice a day. So go through your experience and list down the positive occurrences/outcomes that have happened.

Jacqueline (not her real name) had a very catastrophic divorce after living 8 years with his husband. She was desperate and had to go back to her parent’s home. First, it was very difficult to adapt to her new life. Her days were passing with negative feelings and regret. Then after a while she started to get used to her life, there were some comforts of this life, now she has little responsibility at household chores, and does not have to do the groceries. Also, her parents were very supportive that she was having a regular walk with her dad and going to the center for shopping with her mother. Jacqueline realized that the responsibility of the marriage was not something for her. Because of the catastrophic event, she learned a lot of things about herself and started to live a life that is more aligned with her dreams.

As you see from the example of Jacqueline, things that we experience negatively are not %100 percent negative. Also with the divorce of Jacqueline, if she did not experience this, she would never realize that her ideal lifestyle was completely different from what she established. It is highly advisable to keep a gratitude journal during this phase to boost your mood.

Try to focus on the phase after the failure

We are not born with an instruction manual, and we need trial and error in life to get to know ourselves. Sometimes we need to do things that do not resonate with us to figure out what we really want in life. So instead of getting stuck with one thing, try something else. The next one would pass with more ease because you have the experience. Another benefit is you know what is pleasant and unpleasant for you. So next time, you will immediately understand what is unpleasant for you, and you will not let it influence you negatively. If you use that time wisely, you will maybe reach to a happiness that you never expected that it would have happened.

When you experience the both ends of a continuum, will also appreciate your successes and positive moments more because you have seen the opposite. Therefore, nothing is lost.

Failure brings authenticity

Failure is a very precious opportunity to build a strong character. When you failed, there will be a lot of disappointment in other people’s faces. There you have to trust yourself. When you learn to trust yourself, you will speed up in terms of productivity and effectivity. Because you will not get stuck to other people’s approval. You will learn a huge amount of self-compassion and self-approval.

Reflect on Your Setback

Your setback could be your biggest teacher ever. In order to profit from it in the maximum level, you need to approach it as objectively as possible. Consider it as a failed product. Go over your experience, identify the impact, understand the failure, handle the disappointment, assess the benefit for your growth. For a next time, reflect on what could be done differently. Here is a setback Reflection Mini-Journal that is prepared to help you to grow after your failure. In order to profit from it in the maximum way, you need to approach it as objectively as possible. Consider the failure as a product that did not function. Go over your experience, identify the impact, understand the failure, handle the disappointment, assess the benefit for your growth. Reflect on what could be done differently for a next time. Click here for the setback reflection Mini Journal that is prepared to help you to Grow after the failure.

In Conclusion

As a society we are all reinforced to succeed and many of us might have linked happiness with success. However, in life there are many factors that contribute to success and effort is just one of them. Subjectivity, skill match, communication skills, personal expectations all influence our actions, motivation and the outcome. Sometimes no matter how hard we tried, we might fail, so maybe this is our path. Failure might teach us much more than success, and the things that we learned might pave the path for fulfillment and success.

Other possible benefits of failure are authenticity, resilience and a great skill for comparison. Life happens only once and the ideal is to embrace whatever comes instead of denial, and appreciate the way it is.